Happy February! I can’t believe that January flew by already! I hope you all had a great month!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what self-care can look like for moms, women trying to conceive, grandma’s, teachers, etc. Self-care isn’t a one size fits all kind of thing. In fact, sometimes it takes some soul searching to figure out what type of self-care truly works for you!
The first step to finding what works is getting some actual alone time. Our kids, spouses, animals, friends, and family are all ridiculously important to us, but for the sake of finding out what works… put them all to the side for a minute. In the true moment of aloneness, where does your mind go? What do you WANT to do? If any of you are thinking…. fold that laundry, wash the dishes or shampoo your carpets… I see you! My mind instantly goes to things I could get done without interruption. If doing a load of laundry uninterrupted is your jam, then go for it!
Some of us choose books, our favorite TV show, a pedicure or a hot cup of coffee at our favorite cafe. ALL of these things are self-care. What works best to rejuvenate you, may not be what works best for those around you. YOU have to decide where you are able to get the most peace and relaxation. The saying, you can’t pour from an empty cup, is so true! We can’t give our best selves to the world when we are empty.
It took me a long time to understand that it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to skip out on an event and allow yourself time to relax. The house doesn’t have to be spotless all the time. Give yourself a break! For the month of February, I challenge each of you to pick a self-care task from the list below each week. If you send me a message letting me know what task you picked, at the end of the month I will send a random participant a special self-care gift!!
I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. Ours was very lowkey and I couldn’t be happier about it. We enjoyed the beautiful weather that Wyoming blessed us with and spent the day playing with every single toy and gadget the kids got. We always wake up early on Christmas so we can get our coffee and make the kids their hot cocoa. We did that as usual this year, but this year was bittersweet for us.
As I was sitting on the couch, snuggled up with my cozy blanket and my corgi, I couldn’t help but think about how we are nearing the end of our Christmas mornings being like this. Reaghen knows the real truth behind Christmas magic, and I’m sure Barrett isn’t far behind her. Soon, those little people won’t really care to wake up with the sun to see what Santa brought them. They’ll know who put the presents under the tree, and they’ll have all the expectations that come with teenagers. We may have to share them with boyfriends and girlfriends, or the newest movie coming out. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
In that moment, I wondered how many other parents were feeling those things at the same time I was. I hope that you all take time to enjoy these moments, because there is a time limit on them. We will look up one day and we will be the parents of teens and we will be wishing for wrapping paper all over our house, early Christmas morning excitement, and the looks of joy when they open those gifts. Soak it in. Do this everyday. We are so busy shuttling back and forth to school and sports, packing lunches, keeping laundry caught up, that we tend to forget that one day we won’t have that.
Covid…. something that every person on the planet is dealing with. Combine the scare of that with the usual stress of the holidays and you get…. grief. I was telling my husband just the other day that I miss this time last year. We were planning our annual “friends-giving” and shopping for our friends and family WITHOUT MASKS! We were blissfully unaware of what 2020 had in store for us. *see the attached picture of my sweet corgi, who I sware KNEW what was coming ðĪĢ
The disruption of our holiday season is truly like a grief process. I am so mad that I can’t get my friends together to celebrate. I also went through a denial phase where I thought, maybe if the weather is nice we can cook outside and all wear masks. The truth is, you may have to go through your own process to start looking at this season as a blessing in disguise. Something that might help… create some new traditions.
I came up with a list of the things that might sound fun to you!
1. Ask all the people in your household to name their favorite dinner dish and dessert. Spend Christmas eve or New Years eve creating those foods together for one big “melting pot” feast!
2. Create handmade Christmas gifts for each other. (I got a new vinyl cutting machine this year, obviously early, so everyone on my list is getting at least 1 of my creations!)
3. Spend your holiday taking turns watching your favorite Christmas movies, and writing letters to friends and family!
4. Host a virtual “friends-giving” or New Years party! Their are plenty of games that work well on video calls!
5. Learn a new skill or pick up a new hobby that you can do as a couple/family. For us, we chose creating coffee mugs!
These may be up your alley, or they may sound lame. Whichever your feeling, I understand! The grief process is different for everyone and we don’t get to judge that. Remember that when you are talking to friends or family that are struggling this holiday season. We are all trying our hardest to get through this pandemic with our sanity in tact. If you’re feeling alone or struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone! I’m always available!
2020 has been a tough year for everyone. For our country, there have been political battles, social injustice, and a divide that some of us haven’t experienced in our lifetime. We also have been dealing with a worldwide pandemic. When something like this happens, there is no playbook on what to do because each time it’s different. As we head into the new year, I hope that things get better for everyone. I want to take this time to do some reflecting on some of the positive that this year has brought.
For my family, this year has been full of blessings and heartache. We spent more time with our children and got some of our home renovations done. We had a couple of career changes and a graduation. We also lost our beloved family dog. My relationship with my husband grew stronger and the bond we share with the kids intensified. Reaghen and Barrett also grew closer and learned some hard lessons. Reaghen discovered the truth about Christmas but is also excited to be the magic for her little brother and the younger kids around us. They also got to witness real life super heroes in the people around us.
One of my dearest friends gave birth to her first child during the pandemic AND while her husband was away serving his country. The strength that she has shown, and continues to show, is something that I want my children to understand and learn from. People like her are one in a million. They also watched another dear friend compete for a well-deserved crown. They continue to watch her serve her community, her country and be a helping hand whenever she can. She chases her dreams and supports those around her in every way she can. Her unwavering love and support for others is something I want my children to grow up to have. Another friend made the life altering decision to trust her heart and put herself and her child before convenience. She works long and hard to ensure she gives her child everything she deserves. Her perseverance and dedication to find happiness within, embodies what I want for my children.
Even though this year has been tough, we owe it to ourselves and those around us to look at the positives that have come too. I hope that 2021 treats everyone a bit better, but until then, keep grindin!
I was watching a “Red Table Talk” last night (if you haven’t checked this out on FB, you should!) and the theme was being honest in your emotions. Something resonated with me, and I thought it might help you too!
From a young age, we are told to shove our emotions down. We tell toddlers to quit crying ALL THE TIME! We tell women to pick themselves up and move on after a break-up, and my least favorite: we tell boys they are acting like girls when they cry. What had to occur for our society to become so scared of emotions that we literally shame them?
When we are conditioned to put those emotions aside, we create a world full of angry adults that don’t know how to effectively communicate. It’s a recipe for disaster if we are being honest here. How do we break these generational curses? We TALK! We become completely honest with ourselves and those around us. We use empathy. We validate the feelings of those around us EVEN WHEN WE DONT AGREE! We allow our sons and daughters to cry and really feel those emotions.
Creating a dialog is the first step in the right direction. This is something I firmly believe in. I have childhood trauma that I don’t want my children to be saddled with. From the time that they could understand words, I have allowed Reaghen and Barrett to express their emotions freely. You’re upset with the punishment that you received? That is your right. You are pissed off about something that happened at school? Yes, you’re allowed to feel that. Whatever they are feeling is REAL to them! They are allowed to feel those emotions, just like we are.
The biggest takeaway from the video, for me, was LUV. Listen, understand, validate. We need to listen to each other. I mean, really listen. The kind of listening the morphs into understanding. And once we understand, we validate. We also have to have the ability to be receptive of the honesty from others. Let’s create a world that we are proud to hand to our children.
I was fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home mom with my kiddos when they were smaller. I will NEVER take it for granted. The time I had with them is irreplaceable. While I was at home, I wanted to ensure that they would have a better future, so I made the decision to go to college. I began my journey in 2015. I got about half way through my bachelor’s degree in human behavior, but experienced a situation during my practicums that turned me away from that degree forever. I took a few months off and focused on finding my passion. There has always been a constant in my life, from the time I can remember: sports. Sports in our home growing up was life. It’s the same in my little family now. We are die-hard hockey fans and my kids have played basketball for a few years now. I made the decision to focus my degree on that, so I have a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration: Sports Management. What a mouthful huh?
I finished that degree up the day before my 29th birthday! I was so relieved to be done, but I enjoy being a student so that didn’t last long ð Recently, we had our family photos taken and because of Covid-19, we are having a virtual graduation. We had to have slides put together so we took the opportunity to have some graduation photos taken at the same time. I filled my graduation cap with quotes that were near and dear to me for so many different reasons.
There are more Harry Potter quotes than anything else. I have always loved Harry Potter and when Eric and I got married, discovered he does too!!! We are total geeks and we embrace the heck out of it. I also had words of encouragement from Eric and both the kiddos. It was so important for me to include them because they are my reason and have kept me working hard. I included a Mario Lemieux quote because hockey is life and the Penguins are our love. I also included a Tyrion Lannister quote. It may seem silly, but my corgi (he was born the day after our Bransen passed) has so much of my heart. One of the last quotes that I included was an infertility quote. I want to be able to look back on that simple saying and remember everything that lead us to where we end up.
I am extremely blessed to have been able to go to school while staying home with my babies. That time changed my relationship with them and made me a better person. The foundation for which we have built our life is strong. I hope that my children know that whatever path they follow, we support them. Even if that is finishing a bachelor’s degree at 29! ð
There are so many women that make having a baby their priority after a loss. ðââïļ yep, here I am! With Bransen we weren’t trying, so the timing is truly anyone’s guess. After we lost him, I went through a period where I felt empty. Not just emotionally, but physically too. It’s a feeling that can’t be described anyway but that. At my 6 week checkup our doctor told us that we were cleared to try again. I was so ready, Eric was not. We’ve had conversations since then and I know now that he really needed to take some time to decide if he were willing to take the chance on going through this situation again. Although the statistics are in our favor, life is unpredictable.
In August, we were both ready. I was still staying home with the kids, which in this situation hurt more. I spent more time during my day researching the things I could do to get pregnant faster. It sounds so weird now. I was consumed with getting pregnant. I did ovulation tests, scheduled our intimate time, ate the foods that the blogs recommended, etc. You name it, I was doing it. This went on for months. I became so focused on conceiving that it started to feel more like a job than anything else. I went to the doctor, had the necessary tests and still we weren’t pregnant.
It took Eric and I having a serious conversation about being content to make me realize that there isn’t a lot of control to be had in this situation. Side note: Eric made a friend when we were in the hospital delivering Bransen. Our resident was an Army Vet, and we were his first loss. He cried with us, sat in our room for hours keeping us company and was there when our son came into the world. He is genuinely a good man. He told Eric and I something that was brought up in our conversation that Eric reminded me of… the amount of things that MUST go right in order to conceive and deliver a healthy child are unbelievable. So unbelievable that science hasn’t figured them all out yet. As Eric reminded me of this, it’s like my world evened out again. I realized that if we are meant to have another biological child, it’s going to happen. We have to trust that our path is being led by the universe, and we have little control over the outcome.
Now, like I’ve said before, that DOES NOT make the months of negative tests any easier. Month after month we have gotten negatives. And it is so hard to remind myself to have patience. I struggle like all of you who have or are experiencing unexplained infertility. On those bad days I follow a few rules I’ve set for myself. 1. Hug my living children. They are an incredible blessing and all of the things that have to happen to create them, did. 2. Stay the hell off of Google, it will only hurt more. 3. Take 5 minutes to reflect on the things I DO have.
I hope that if you are experiencing infertility that the universe blesses you soon! I also hope those of you who haven’t experienced this, can empathize with someone who doesn’t come to the baby shower or doesn’t reach out when the baby is born. We are trying, but sometimes it’s hard.
A couple of weeks ago I asked you all to share your stories with me. Thank you all so much for letting me in to your lives a little bit. I’ve shared A LOT about us, but today, I’m going to tell you our story.
Eric and I met in 7th grade wood shop class. He built my wooden car and would try to get me to go out with him multiple times a week. I was focused on school and horses, so I never paid him any attention. Eric left for JobCorp by the time I was showing any interest in boys. My senior year in high school, I fell in love. From that relationship came my beautiful daughter. While I was pregnant, and the relationship I was in was ending, Eric was on his 2nd deployment with the Army. Reaghens dad and I knew that our relationship was better as friends, and I still consider him one of the people I know I can count on. Eric and I reconnected when Reaghen was about 4 months old. We started dating in January of 2011, and got married in July of the same year. By April, we were welcoming our son, Barrett.
We decided after we had Barrett that we were done having children. Fast forward to 2017, we experienced our first miscarriage. It was very early in the pregnancy, so early that we never really knew how far along I was. We started taking preventive measures, but experienced another miscarriage in early 2018. It didn’t impact us the way that it would now, because we weren’t truly prepared to add to our family. On January 7th, 2019 I took a pregnancy test. This came after taking my sister-in-law to the airport, and her commenting on how I was using the bathroom a lot and my bout of car sickness was weird (ðĪĢI always think its funny that it took someone else mentioning something was weird for me to notice). We confirmed the pregnancy on February 6th with an ultrasound. We were over the moon. We immediately began preparing for baby. We used a private ultrasound company to get a more in depth look at baby, and I am so grateful for that! We found out at 10 weeks that we were having a boy! (Isn’t technology great?) We made it past the 12 week mark and felt a huge sigh of relief. We were ACTUALLY having a baby. We announced to our friends and began thinking of a name for our baby boy. We went on vacation in April, and came back ready to find a new home for our growing family.
We set an appointment with our doctor for May 10th, at 22 weeks gestation to get our anatomy scan. Eric got off work early, because we had an appointment after to see a few houses our realtor had found. When we got into the ultrasound room, we laughed and joked with the tech about how crazy it is that you can find out the gender so early now days. I got comfortable and the gel was put on my growing belly. As soon as the wand was placed, the techs face fell. She simply said… “I am so sorry.” I immediately knew that he was gone. I looked at Eric and told him to get my mom there right now. There is something about tragedy that makes a girl want her momma. It took Eric a minute to figure out what was going on. To spare the details that we aren’t ready to share, here’s the short version… we were sent to labor and delivery to be induced at about noon. At 11:55 our son entered the world. He was perfect, and looked exactly like his big brother. I have pictured from that day, that I am forever grateful for. They are now all I have left from a day I will never forget. We were able to snuggle our son and give him all the love that we had.
After the loss of our son, we purchased a bigger home and brought all three of our children to our forever home. Having Bransen here brings a sense of peace. We have his ashes on a shelf specifically designed for him, that sits in our living room. This helps us make sure that he is included in all of our holidays and celebrations. We celebrate his birthday, and will continue to do so, with a butterfly release in our backyard. For now, we are content with our two living children, and our angel baby. We have a house full of love, laughter and joy. I hope that someday we can add another child to this craziness, but until then we will enjoy this life we’ve been blessed with.
I encourage each of you to write your story out. Don’t share it if you’re uncomfortable, but write your thoughts down. Do it often. This will allow you to see your growth and reflect on the feelings that you’ve worked through. If you feel like sharing, please do! Taboo subjects don’t go away unless we take away the discomfort attached.
I’ve mentioned this before, and there is no better time to talk about issues than when they arise. Something happened today that set me back. I’ve been staying strong and positive our conception journey, until today.
I had something happen in my personal life that set me back. I found myself wondering why we haven’t gotten pregnant, and others have. What have we done wrong to deserve this pain? I preach about not living in those feelings, but on days like today, that is HARD. I know that Eric and I are deserving of another child, and hopefully that will happen soon. I also remind myself that I don’t have the right to judge someone else’s journey.
As soon as I started feeling down on myself, I reached out to a couple of my girls. The ones I’ve talked about previously. They know what I need when I tell them how I’m feeling. They don’t necessarily let me live in my feelings, but they make sure I know that they are valid. Today I cried and I haven’t put my best self forward. That’s okay. I am going to take a deep breath, cry a little if I need to, hug my babies tight and try to do better tomorrow.
When the kids were little, I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with them. I loved every minute of it. I used my spare time to earn a bachelor’s degree that I wanted to use when the kids started school. When Barrett was in 2nd grade, I made the decision to go back to work. We had just purchased a larger home and I wanted to contribute to all the projects that would be eventually coming.
I found a great job and started the Monday-Friday career woman life. I remember the first few weeks being exhausting. Trying to figure out our schedule seemed impossible. When do you do laundry?? What can I make for dinner that isn’t going to take forever? What time is too early to go to bed? It truly becomes a balancing act. I finished school in April and swore I was done! Fast forward to 6 weeks ago.. I started my MBA so the balancing act continues.
We don’t have it perfected by any stretch of the imagination. What we do have though, is an amazing tribe. Eric picks up the slack when I’ve got a million things going on, and I do the same for him. We have friends that will pick the kids up in a pinch and don’t mind if our social time is sitting around the table catching up over coffee. We also have the best family. My parents are always there when we need them and are more than willing to help wherever they can. Find yourself a tribe. Side story… I grew up in a soccer hating family (why, I have no clue). When the kids wanted to play soccer I dreaded it a little bit. Here is some advice… join the freaking soccer team. Your child may not gain anything from it, but if you are as lucky as we are, YOU will meet your best friends as soccer practice.
If I’m honest, there are still days that I get into bed and have no clue how we survived the day. We all have so many things that we have to do for ourselves, our children, our spouses etc. Some days, the weight we carry will be too much. On those days, reach out to your tribe and remind yourself that we are all doing the best at this crazy balancing act that we can.
Momma Tribe 