Raise em up…

I have two living children. My daughter Reaghen is 10. She is full of creativity, weirdness and a soul like no other. She has the most caring heart but also possesses a fierceness that is unexplained. She enjoys creating and taking care of anything creepy and crawly. Her tarantula collection is now 13 deep. (My life is so freaking weird). She doesn’t care much about makeup, boys or being girly.

Barrett, my son, is 8. He is a freak about basketball, chess, science and math. He loves to learn! He is always sharing random facts, we used to Google them but after about 100 times of him being right, we stopped. He wants to be a paleontologist when he grows up. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him actually do it. He is brilliant and is wise beyond his years. He also has the most beautiful head of hair.

There is a quote out there that says something about raising your daughters to think that they breathe fire. I want both of my children to KNOW that they can do or be anything that they set their mind to. The hard part… ensuring that we are supportive of them in every way possible. We have to allow them to be their own individuals. As parents, we are simply guiding them to make good choices and learn how to be a productive human. No biggie, right?

We need to encourage their leadership skills, nurture their strengths, push them to achieve the goals that they set, and love them unconditionally in the process. Sometimes these leadership skills and strengths come in the form of poor decisions. It is up to us, as parents, to turn these experiences into a lesson. It is also imperative, in my opinion, to allow our children to be honest with us about everything! We allow Reaghen and Barrett to tell us if they don’t agree with a punishment or if they are upset over a decision we make. The outcome doesn’t always change, but we want them to know that we hear them and we acknowledge the way that they feel.

I know that there are a million different parenting styles out there, and ours isn’t necessarily the “right” one. I want to be clear that if you don’t parent the way we do, I am not judging you or your parenting. Our way works for us, and if your way works for you then we are all winning. At the end of the day, our goals are the same. We want to send our children into the world knowing that they are decent people. How we raise em up is our choice.

As always,

Stay strong mommas.

Xoxo

Becca

YOUR story…

Good afternoon Momma Tribe! I missed my usual Tuesday post this week because I didn’t feel up to it. We said goodbye to our sweet momma dog on Friday and I took some time to really grieve her passing.

By now, you have a pretty good idea of who I am, and some of what my family has been through. Now, I want to hear about you! I’ve been trying to think of ways to connect with all of you (more on that below). This week, I am asking that you share your stories with me. It doesn’t have to be about your loss, but if that’s the story you’d like to share, please do. Also, if you have questions for me, send those!

Send me a message via Facebook, a text or an email (I will include that info below).

You all are the driving force behind keeping this going! It is so important to have a momma tribe, so I am considering doing a wine and walk, a FB live, or a meet and greet brunch! Let me know what you’d prefer! Invite your momma friends to give their input too! The more the merrier.

As always, stay strong mommas

Xoxo

Becca

307-256-3664

beccabrubaker4@gmail.com

Friendships

Happy Tuesday mommas! I hope that you are all having a great start to your week!

Friendship is a topic that I have had on my mind for a few weeks now. There have been some events transpire in the past few weeks that have caused me to evaluate the friendships in my life. I’ve got a friend that went above and beyond to help make me feel special for getting my degree. This girl is the freaking bomb. She seems to always know when I need some extra love, without me saying anything. She listens to my problems and celebrates my victories. I know that I can depend on her and her family for anything. She’s the kind of friend that came into our lives unexpectedly and now her and her family will be there for the rest of our lives. I have another friend that’s been through ALL my struggles. She’s lived through them with me, and has always had my back. She’s the kind of friend that will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to. She’s strong and fierce, and tackles anything life throws at her. These and many more, are women that I’m proud to know and raise my daughter around. These women go above and beyond for their friends and never expect anything in return. They are of service to their communities and are raising their children to be strong, independent thinkers. These are my people.

Losing a friendship can be hard. We aren’t in control of other people’s actions or reactions. All we can control is the way that we react. I want to make something very clear here… you don’t owe anyone an explanation about your decisions. When you make the decision to end a friendship, you are doing what is best for YOU!! In that moment, that is all that matters. Sometimes we have to step away from things that don’t bring us joy, or bring negative energy to us. Life is already full of hardships and struggles, don’t let those feelings come from other people. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway.” Make the decisions that are right for you, you don’t need to explain your feelings.

As always, if you need an ear I am here!

Stay strong mommas!

Xoxo

Becca❤

Old emotions die hard

The past few months have been quite trying for our family. Eric had back surgery to fix an injury he’s been dealing with since we got married. I changed jobs, then went back to my old job. We’ve had to make decisions for the kids that we never thought we’d have to. And to top it off, we’ve been coming to terms with the impending loss of our first family pet.

The story of Diamond is one that most of our close friends and family know. Eric got her for the kids for Christmas one year while I was in Las Vegas. Reaghen was 3 and Barrett was 1. She was never the kids’ dog. She’s always been his. She tolerates everyone else. All of our friends know, you probably won’t get to love on her when you come over, she prefers to watch from a distance. She’s like that with the kids too, except when they are sick. She refuses to eat, drink or use the bathroom if the kids aren’t feeling good and need to stay in bed. This is the only time that she stays close to them. I only have two pictures of my belly when I was pregnant with Bransen, and she is in both of them. I tell everyone that she’s my soul dog. We are always in the same mood it seems like. She’s tested my patience more times than I can count and frankly, is a giant pain in my ass. But we are losing her. She is a prime example of a backyard bred dog. She’s had health problems her whole life, and has made it two years longer than we expected. It doesn’t change the heartbreak.

We have to go through another grieving process. I’ve had a few people tell me that she’s just a dog, and I’ve got to say… those are not my people. She’s more than that. She’s a fierce protector of my family. She’s the one who knows when I need a sandpaper tongue straight to the face. She knows where to be and when. We don’t deserve dogs. Our children have experienced so much loss, and here we are again. Feeling similar emotions to those that we felt just over a year ago. This time though, we know it’s coming. Does that help? I’m not sure, ask me in a few months. It’s bizarre that we can go through the grief process and a short time later try to do it all again. The hardest part of grief is that it changes every single time. We can go through it a dozen times and feel different every time. I’m holding myself together with patience from my husband and unconditional love from my children. This process is hard. I am incredibly blessed to have had the chance to love such a beautiful soul. We are lucky enough to spend the next few days with our girl, showing her as much love as she’ll allow and eating all the puppachinos her tummy can handle. ❤

Stay strong mommas.

Xoxo

Becca

Keep on trying

This last Saturday my friends and family threw me a surprise graduation party! I just finished my bachelor’s degree, and because of Covid-19, my actual graduation was cancelled. I was overjoyed that my family and friends wanted to celebrate with me! After the party, a few girlfriends and I went out for a drink. Our girls night consisted of a few drinks and A LOT of conversation. We all are moms so of course so many subjects surrounded our children and pregnancy. We shared our fears for the upcoming year, the funny things our children have done recently and our birth stories.

One of the things that took my breath away was that every single one of these women have experienced a loss. The statistic is 1 in 4 women experience a pregnancy loss. Here I was, with three of my best friends, and all of us have experienced a loss. This makes the statistic seem unrealistic! We live in what is supposed to be one of the most advanced countries in the world, yet we are losing babies at an alarming rate. What is even scarier is that I have more women in my life that have experienced the same thing!

This conversation had real potential to bring me down. Loss is hard to talk about and it’s even harder to bounce back from. Let me tell you something though, each of these women have bounced back! Each of them have a rainbow baby to show off! They grieved their loss and kept trying. They knew that the universe had something special in store for them. I am selfishly thankful at the way all the women in my life have handled their losses because I now have beautiful nieces and nephews to show that there are rainbows at the end of every storm.

I came home from girls night and excitedly talked to Eric about where we are in our conception journey and how I am filled with so much hope right now. There are hardships in our lives, and I believe they are given to us to grow and teach us something. It isn’t always apparent and it’s not always pleasant. The way we react to these hardships determines who we are as people. I know I have said it before, but it’s okay to get in your feelings every now and then. Sometimes a good cry is good for our soul. Just don’t live there. Pick yourself up, find your joy and chase your dreams!

Stay strong mommas!

Xoxo

Becca

Make a plan, then adapt

I am a planner. I like to know what I am doing and when, how much money I’m spending and on what etc… Life doesn’t work that way, as we all know! So learning to shift with the changes is paramount to our happiness and success. It’s okay to feel the emotions associated with those changes, but don’t live there.

After a loss, you aren’t sure where to start. For us, we knew that we wanted another child, but how do you make those plans when something so drastic just occurred? We are still learning and we are ALWAYS adapting. It’s been 15 months since our loss, and we haven’t conceived yet. Our plan was to start right away and conceive quickly, because this time we would be trying. With Bransen, we weren’t trying at all. In fact, we were really thinking that we didn’t want any more children, but weren’t against it. Our plan didn’t go as planned. After a full year of trying, our OB wanted to run some tests to ensure that everything was okay. All of our tests came back great, it just hasn’t happened for us yet. There is a thought that the stress of trying to will a pregnancy has prevented it from happening. We have had to learn to let this part of our lives be up to chance and faith.

Parenting in general consists of a lot of plan changing. If you’ve ever tried to set up a play date, you know what I’m talking about. In every part of our life, we must give the universe a little bit of grace and acceptance. When you make a plan, understand that plan b, c, d, e etc may not work and you’ll have to think of something on the fly. Teach yourself to accept this! You’ll have days that you fail, but learn a lesson and become better because of it.

As always, stay strong mommas. I’m here if you need me.

Xoxo

Becca ❤

Changing your mind..

There is something weighing on my heart today, so I thought writing about it would help. I also know that there are a few of you going through a transitional period in your life, hopefully this will help bring you courage, peace, understanding and strength.

I recently left my job and headed down a different career path. When I was offered the new position, there was this feeling that something was not right. I can’t put my finger on it, but something was off. Call it intuition. I took a week off after leaving my last job and heading to the new one, because Eric had back surgery, so I wanted to be with him for that. My previous job was very laid back but busy all the time. There was always something to do. The new job is also laid back, but there isn’t enough work to keep me busy all day. I know that there are times when the work slows down at every job, but this is different. The first week here I “worked” about a total of 1 hour. I was there for 40, but I only worked one. Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I cannot stand to just sit around. I need something to keep my mind busy or I go insane. Enter the last two weeks… I have been exhausted when I get home because I have spent all day trying to find something to do. My mental health is beginning to go down a road that isn’t good and I am struggling. I went home on lunch yesterday and explained to Eric what I was feeling, and he said… “It’s okay to change your mind.” Wait…. It is? I was feeling guilty when I took the position because I was taking a significant pay cut, but I was okay with that because I was getting my foot in the door. During my first week I found out that the department that I want to be in eventually is being cut, so my opportunities to move to that position are gone. All of the sudden the pros to taking this job began to slip away. I now have one pro and about twenty cons. Then Eric tells me that I can change my mind. I don’t owe a reason to anyone but myself. Our happiness should be the number one priority in our lives. If I am not in a good place mentally or emotionally, how can I be what I need to be for my kids? How can I be the best version of myself if I spend 40 hours per week being miserable? I changed my mind.

Changing our minds doesn’t mean that we were wrong, or weak. To me, it means the opposite. We had the opportunity to grow, however short that was. Did you learn something? You were strong enough to step back and realize that you don’t like the initial decision, so you adjust. You make a new decision; you change your mind! I posted a quote to my personal page today that said, “Follow your soul. It knows the way.” What if I had to take this position to learn how much I appreciate and respect the field that I was in? My soul knew what it was doing when it led me down this path. Now, I have some difficult decisions to make. I am going to trust in my soul and know that I am allowed to change my mind. Stay strong mommas!

Xoxo

Becca

Accepting yourself..

I saw a quote the other day that said something like, being accepted by others is not beauty, instead the beauty is in accepting yourself. This got me thinking about the way that we perceive ourselves as mothers, daughters, wives, friends etc. There are days when I feel like I am rocking the mom thing, and other days that I can’t figure out how we have made it this far. The same is true for the other roles in my life, whether it’s being a wife or my career. I think this is what being able to accept yourself looks like. You’re going to have days that keeping the kids fed and clothes took a miracle, days when you don’t know how or why you have a job, and days where friends seem nonexistent. Accepting that this is the way life is, is beautiful. When you are able to accept yourself in these scenarios, it makes the bad days seem… well, not so bad.

The wonderful thing about acceptance is that we get to set the grading scale and make acceptance fit our own parameters. I have accepted certain characteristics and qualities that I possess that would probably drive some of you crazy! For example, I like to think that I am a pretty good friend. I am honest and supportive… BUT I am the worst “responder” in your contact list. I can guarantee it! I don’t necessarily try to be this way, it’s just a part of who I am. I go a million miles an hour all the time and get distracted by literally anything. I can’t tell you how many times my girlfriends have gotten… “I’m sorry I am just getting back to you…” from a text weeks prior. Oops. I have friends that have accepted this of me, and know if they really need me to simply call. I have lost people in my life because they look at this as a fatal flaw from a friend. That’s okay because I ACCEPT MYSELF! Flaws and all!

I want to reach out to all of you mommas who have experienced loss. There have been so many times that I have asked myself, and even Eric, how could my body have done this? Or said that I want accept never carrying a child again. Accepting yourself in these moments feels impossible. It doesn’t look like there is light at the end of the tunnel, hell you’re not even sure you’re in a tunnel! For me, I take these moments to do some serious self-reflection. I may never carry a child again, but I CAN be a mom to another child. I may be disappointed in my body right now, but it has given me three beautiful children. In your moments of weakness, remind yourself of the strengths that you possess. Remind yourself that you are a warrior and remind yourself that no matter what you have been through, better days are ahead. Count your blessings, not your worried. Wake up and take the world on with an open heart. Please remember that my door is always open, and my phone is always on… (refer to above for best contact methods 🤣) Stay strong mommas.

Xoxo

Becca ❤

Grieving with hope

When you experience a loss there are A LOT of phrases you hear…. I’m sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine what you are going through, your family is in my thoughts and prayers… these are the most common.. there a some not so pleasant things too… at least your young and can try again, he/she is in a better place, or at least you have other children… these sound harsh… the truth is though, there are no words! People don’t know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind. I remember when I friend of mine experienced a late term loss long before our loss… I said to Eric, “Oh my, I can’t even imagine.” This is because you seriously can’t. You can talk about what ifs and the way you think you would react, but until you are in that situation you just don’t know. Here is my BEST advice for those of you who have someone in your life experiencing a loss… acknowledge their pain. Don’t try to step around it. Ask to hear their story, and listen! We want you to know that our child is real and that he/she matters. This is how you show that! One of the main benefits that come from this type of interaction is that we can begin to grieve with hope. Hope that our friends and family will celebrate the lives of our babies, however short they were. Hope that we can heal and see joy again.

After we lost Bransen, I felt like I wasn’t going to ever be able to breathe again. How do we get up and keep going? How do we ensure that he isn’t forgotten. Sharing my story and connecting with other mommas has done just that for me. I was talking to Eric last night about my hopes for this blog and he mentioned how many stories people have told him of their own loss. People that he works with, our closest friends, our families. All these people that we didn’t know had experienced a loss! Sometimes parents prefer to keep that part of their life private. I totally respect that! I just want to make sure that moms AND DADS, know that if they want to talk about it, they should! Sometimes sharing your story with others truly allows you to heal. If you ever want to share your story or chat, my door is always open! Today, I am going to focus on grieving with hope for the future, hope for all of the mommas out there that are waiting, and hope that the universe has given us this path for a reason! ❤ stay strong momma!

Sometimes it’s a lot…

There was a point in my life, not long ago, that I would be physically ill at a pregnancy announcement or I would scoff at a new mom complaining that she was tired. A few years ago, my reaction to that pregnancy announcement would have been joy and words of wisdom for the mom-to-be… You know what I am talking about… sleep while you can, take advantage of those lactation nurses no matter what time it is, or when it doubt call your mom!! These are all things that moms say to moms-to-be. It doesn’t matter if we are friends or know each other, moms are a tribe. We can relate to almost every emotion another is feeling and we can understand their struggles better than anyone. How do you suddenly deal with feeling like you don’t fit into that tribe? You may have living children, or no living children at all… regardless, there is a sudden feeling of jealousy and discontent when you see that announcement or hear that brand-new momma. Our bodies and souls were designed to nurture and create. If you don’t feel it in your soul to ever have children, please know that I applaud you for making that decision based on your own feelings and not the feelings of society. Please don’t feel obligated to stop reading, but know that this was created for women who do want children or already have them. Anyway… back to it. I personally believe that because we were designed by whatever you believe in to create life, that when it is taken from you, your soul doesn’t know what to do, so this manifests into jealousy and discontent. I’m not saying that all moms of angels feel this way, this opinion is based on personal experience and experiences of those who have shared their story with me. How do we deal with these feelings? There are a few things that have worked for me. Before I tell you those I want to make sure that you know… we all have BAD DAYS! It doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 months or 2 years, there are still bad days. I can see 10 pregnancy announcements and be fine, but that 11th sends me over the edge. When Eric and I lost our Bransen, we went to marriage counseling immediately. We read some startling stillbirth statistics and wanted to get ahead of it. One of the things that our counselor told us was: “You don’t get to compare your grief to anyone else’s.” Talk about a figurative slap in the face. I was feeling extremely guilty for wanting to try again before I left the hospital… I was physically empty and I needed to fill that emptiness. She explained that there is no timeline for grief and that it doesn’t always go in the order you see on the poster. I remind myself this everyday. Sometimes I do great, other days I fall short. I try to understand pregnancy announcements in this way… I am vocal about my loss and unexplained infertility, but what if that mom hasn’t been? What did that momma have to go through to get this pregnancy? Has she experienced loss too? These are questions that I ask myself to bring my back down to earth a little. I then rationalize and empathize. What would I want the reaction to my pregnancy announcement to be? Would I be worried about what people will say? Maybe… This doesn’t alleviate the pain, but it does help me work through the pain a little easier and a little faster than before. Another coping mechanism that I use is a virtual support page. (One of the driving forces behind this! :)) The page I belong to is full of women who have experienced their own loss. Sometimes it’s what your soul needs to hear things like… I understand what you are going through or it’s okay to be in those feelings today, they will pass. These women have helped make my tribe feel a little more “normal” which is what my hope for this page is. I want to also stress the importance of speaking to your significant other! Another thing our counselor had Eric and I do was a weekly check-in. We were required to set a date and time and check-in on each other’s feelings and grief process. We still use this to catch up after a busy week. This process helped me see some of the grief that Eric was going through that he wasn’t sure how to express openly. It wasn’t until about 6 months after our loss that he shared some of the fear he felt that day (I had some complications that had a chance of turning dangerous rather quickly). It never occurred to me that he was worried about anything other than our son… It was important for him to get that off his chest and important for me to see his vulnerability. There were check-ins along the way that would require each of us to tell the other what we needed that day, and that helped grow our relationship more than I could have predicted. Sometimes we have to tell our significant other that we need something specific in order for them to understand. This can seriously help avoid miscommunication in ANY relationship. The whole point of this page is to provide a safe place to be… whether you’ve experienced loss or not, this can be a place to come for calm, for reassurance, to vent or to ask for advice. My door is always open and my phone is always on. I welcome the opportunity to get to know all of you and learn your stories. ❤ stay strong momma!

If you’d like to contact me: Becca Brubaker beccabrubaker4@gmail.com