Make a plan, then adapt

I am a planner. I like to know what I am doing and when, how much money I’m spending and on what etc… Life doesn’t work that way, as we all know! So learning to shift with the changes is paramount to our happiness and success. It’s okay to feel the emotions associated with those changes, but don’t live there.

After a loss, you aren’t sure where to start. For us, we knew that we wanted another child, but how do you make those plans when something so drastic just occurred? We are still learning and we are ALWAYS adapting. It’s been 15 months since our loss, and we haven’t conceived yet. Our plan was to start right away and conceive quickly, because this time we would be trying. With Bransen, we weren’t trying at all. In fact, we were really thinking that we didn’t want any more children, but weren’t against it. Our plan didn’t go as planned. After a full year of trying, our OB wanted to run some tests to ensure that everything was okay. All of our tests came back great, it just hasn’t happened for us yet. There is a thought that the stress of trying to will a pregnancy has prevented it from happening. We have had to learn to let this part of our lives be up to chance and faith.

Parenting in general consists of a lot of plan changing. If you’ve ever tried to set up a play date, you know what I’m talking about. In every part of our life, we must give the universe a little bit of grace and acceptance. When you make a plan, understand that plan b, c, d, e etc may not work and you’ll have to think of something on the fly. Teach yourself to accept this! You’ll have days that you fail, but learn a lesson and become better because of it.

As always, stay strong mommas. I’m here if you need me.

Xoxo

Becca ❤

Accepting yourself..

I saw a quote the other day that said something like, being accepted by others is not beauty, instead the beauty is in accepting yourself. This got me thinking about the way that we perceive ourselves as mothers, daughters, wives, friends etc. There are days when I feel like I am rocking the mom thing, and other days that I can’t figure out how we have made it this far. The same is true for the other roles in my life, whether it’s being a wife or my career. I think this is what being able to accept yourself looks like. You’re going to have days that keeping the kids fed and clothes took a miracle, days when you don’t know how or why you have a job, and days where friends seem nonexistent. Accepting that this is the way life is, is beautiful. When you are able to accept yourself in these scenarios, it makes the bad days seem… well, not so bad.

The wonderful thing about acceptance is that we get to set the grading scale and make acceptance fit our own parameters. I have accepted certain characteristics and qualities that I possess that would probably drive some of you crazy! For example, I like to think that I am a pretty good friend. I am honest and supportive… BUT I am the worst “responder” in your contact list. I can guarantee it! I don’t necessarily try to be this way, it’s just a part of who I am. I go a million miles an hour all the time and get distracted by literally anything. I can’t tell you how many times my girlfriends have gotten… “I’m sorry I am just getting back to you…” from a text weeks prior. Oops. I have friends that have accepted this of me, and know if they really need me to simply call. I have lost people in my life because they look at this as a fatal flaw from a friend. That’s okay because I ACCEPT MYSELF! Flaws and all!

I want to reach out to all of you mommas who have experienced loss. There have been so many times that I have asked myself, and even Eric, how could my body have done this? Or said that I want accept never carrying a child again. Accepting yourself in these moments feels impossible. It doesn’t look like there is light at the end of the tunnel, hell you’re not even sure you’re in a tunnel! For me, I take these moments to do some serious self-reflection. I may never carry a child again, but I CAN be a mom to another child. I may be disappointed in my body right now, but it has given me three beautiful children. In your moments of weakness, remind yourself of the strengths that you possess. Remind yourself that you are a warrior and remind yourself that no matter what you have been through, better days are ahead. Count your blessings, not your worried. Wake up and take the world on with an open heart. Please remember that my door is always open, and my phone is always on… (refer to above for best contact methods 🤣) Stay strong mommas.

Xoxo

Becca ❤

Grieving with hope

When you experience a loss there are A LOT of phrases you hear…. I’m sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine what you are going through, your family is in my thoughts and prayers… these are the most common.. there a some not so pleasant things too… at least your young and can try again, he/she is in a better place, or at least you have other children… these sound harsh… the truth is though, there are no words! People don’t know what to say so they say whatever comes to mind. I remember when I friend of mine experienced a late term loss long before our loss… I said to Eric, “Oh my, I can’t even imagine.” This is because you seriously can’t. You can talk about what ifs and the way you think you would react, but until you are in that situation you just don’t know. Here is my BEST advice for those of you who have someone in your life experiencing a loss… acknowledge their pain. Don’t try to step around it. Ask to hear their story, and listen! We want you to know that our child is real and that he/she matters. This is how you show that! One of the main benefits that come from this type of interaction is that we can begin to grieve with hope. Hope that our friends and family will celebrate the lives of our babies, however short they were. Hope that we can heal and see joy again.

After we lost Bransen, I felt like I wasn’t going to ever be able to breathe again. How do we get up and keep going? How do we ensure that he isn’t forgotten. Sharing my story and connecting with other mommas has done just that for me. I was talking to Eric last night about my hopes for this blog and he mentioned how many stories people have told him of their own loss. People that he works with, our closest friends, our families. All these people that we didn’t know had experienced a loss! Sometimes parents prefer to keep that part of their life private. I totally respect that! I just want to make sure that moms AND DADS, know that if they want to talk about it, they should! Sometimes sharing your story with others truly allows you to heal. If you ever want to share your story or chat, my door is always open! Today, I am going to focus on grieving with hope for the future, hope for all of the mommas out there that are waiting, and hope that the universe has given us this path for a reason! ❤ stay strong momma!

Sometimes it’s a lot…

There was a point in my life, not long ago, that I would be physically ill at a pregnancy announcement or I would scoff at a new mom complaining that she was tired. A few years ago, my reaction to that pregnancy announcement would have been joy and words of wisdom for the mom-to-be… You know what I am talking about… sleep while you can, take advantage of those lactation nurses no matter what time it is, or when it doubt call your mom!! These are all things that moms say to moms-to-be. It doesn’t matter if we are friends or know each other, moms are a tribe. We can relate to almost every emotion another is feeling and we can understand their struggles better than anyone. How do you suddenly deal with feeling like you don’t fit into that tribe? You may have living children, or no living children at all… regardless, there is a sudden feeling of jealousy and discontent when you see that announcement or hear that brand-new momma. Our bodies and souls were designed to nurture and create. If you don’t feel it in your soul to ever have children, please know that I applaud you for making that decision based on your own feelings and not the feelings of society. Please don’t feel obligated to stop reading, but know that this was created for women who do want children or already have them. Anyway… back to it. I personally believe that because we were designed by whatever you believe in to create life, that when it is taken from you, your soul doesn’t know what to do, so this manifests into jealousy and discontent. I’m not saying that all moms of angels feel this way, this opinion is based on personal experience and experiences of those who have shared their story with me. How do we deal with these feelings? There are a few things that have worked for me. Before I tell you those I want to make sure that you know… we all have BAD DAYS! It doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 months or 2 years, there are still bad days. I can see 10 pregnancy announcements and be fine, but that 11th sends me over the edge. When Eric and I lost our Bransen, we went to marriage counseling immediately. We read some startling stillbirth statistics and wanted to get ahead of it. One of the things that our counselor told us was: “You don’t get to compare your grief to anyone else’s.” Talk about a figurative slap in the face. I was feeling extremely guilty for wanting to try again before I left the hospital… I was physically empty and I needed to fill that emptiness. She explained that there is no timeline for grief and that it doesn’t always go in the order you see on the poster. I remind myself this everyday. Sometimes I do great, other days I fall short. I try to understand pregnancy announcements in this way… I am vocal about my loss and unexplained infertility, but what if that mom hasn’t been? What did that momma have to go through to get this pregnancy? Has she experienced loss too? These are questions that I ask myself to bring my back down to earth a little. I then rationalize and empathize. What would I want the reaction to my pregnancy announcement to be? Would I be worried about what people will say? Maybe… This doesn’t alleviate the pain, but it does help me work through the pain a little easier and a little faster than before. Another coping mechanism that I use is a virtual support page. (One of the driving forces behind this! :)) The page I belong to is full of women who have experienced their own loss. Sometimes it’s what your soul needs to hear things like… I understand what you are going through or it’s okay to be in those feelings today, they will pass. These women have helped make my tribe feel a little more “normal” which is what my hope for this page is. I want to also stress the importance of speaking to your significant other! Another thing our counselor had Eric and I do was a weekly check-in. We were required to set a date and time and check-in on each other’s feelings and grief process. We still use this to catch up after a busy week. This process helped me see some of the grief that Eric was going through that he wasn’t sure how to express openly. It wasn’t until about 6 months after our loss that he shared some of the fear he felt that day (I had some complications that had a chance of turning dangerous rather quickly). It never occurred to me that he was worried about anything other than our son… It was important for him to get that off his chest and important for me to see his vulnerability. There were check-ins along the way that would require each of us to tell the other what we needed that day, and that helped grow our relationship more than I could have predicted. Sometimes we have to tell our significant other that we need something specific in order for them to understand. This can seriously help avoid miscommunication in ANY relationship. The whole point of this page is to provide a safe place to be… whether you’ve experienced loss or not, this can be a place to come for calm, for reassurance, to vent or to ask for advice. My door is always open and my phone is always on. I welcome the opportunity to get to know all of you and learn your stories. ❤ stay strong momma!

If you’d like to contact me: Becca Brubaker beccabrubaker4@gmail.com