Sometimes it’s a lot…

There was a point in my life, not long ago, that I would be physically ill at a pregnancy announcement or I would scoff at a new mom complaining that she was tired. A few years ago, my reaction to that pregnancy announcement would have been joy and words of wisdom for the mom-to-be… You know what I am talking about… sleep while you can, take advantage of those lactation nurses no matter what time it is, or when it doubt call your mom!! These are all things that moms say to moms-to-be. It doesn’t matter if we are friends or know each other, moms are a tribe. We can relate to almost every emotion another is feeling and we can understand their struggles better than anyone. How do you suddenly deal with feeling like you don’t fit into that tribe? You may have living children, or no living children at all… regardless, there is a sudden feeling of jealousy and discontent when you see that announcement or hear that brand-new momma. Our bodies and souls were designed to nurture and create. If you don’t feel it in your soul to ever have children, please know that I applaud you for making that decision based on your own feelings and not the feelings of society. Please don’t feel obligated to stop reading, but know that this was created for women who do want children or already have them. Anyway… back to it. I personally believe that because we were designed by whatever you believe in to create life, that when it is taken from you, your soul doesn’t know what to do, so this manifests into jealousy and discontent. I’m not saying that all moms of angels feel this way, this opinion is based on personal experience and experiences of those who have shared their story with me. How do we deal with these feelings? There are a few things that have worked for me. Before I tell you those I want to make sure that you know… we all have BAD DAYS! It doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 months or 2 years, there are still bad days. I can see 10 pregnancy announcements and be fine, but that 11th sends me over the edge. When Eric and I lost our Bransen, we went to marriage counseling immediately. We read some startling stillbirth statistics and wanted to get ahead of it. One of the things that our counselor told us was: “You don’t get to compare your grief to anyone else’s.” Talk about a figurative slap in the face. I was feeling extremely guilty for wanting to try again before I left the hospital… I was physically empty and I needed to fill that emptiness. She explained that there is no timeline for grief and that it doesn’t always go in the order you see on the poster. I remind myself this everyday. Sometimes I do great, other days I fall short. I try to understand pregnancy announcements in this way… I am vocal about my loss and unexplained infertility, but what if that mom hasn’t been? What did that momma have to go through to get this pregnancy? Has she experienced loss too? These are questions that I ask myself to bring my back down to earth a little. I then rationalize and empathize. What would I want the reaction to my pregnancy announcement to be? Would I be worried about what people will say? Maybe… This doesn’t alleviate the pain, but it does help me work through the pain a little easier and a little faster than before. Another coping mechanism that I use is a virtual support page. (One of the driving forces behind this! :)) The page I belong to is full of women who have experienced their own loss. Sometimes it’s what your soul needs to hear things like… I understand what you are going through  or it’s okay to be in those feelings today, they will pass. These women have helped make my tribe feel a little more “normal” which is what my hope for this page is. I want to also stress the importance of speaking to your significant other! Another thing our counselor had Eric and I do was a weekly check-in. We were required to set a date and time and check-in on each other’s feelings and grief process. We still use this to catch up after a busy week. This process helped me see some of the grief that Eric was going through that he wasn’t sure how to express openly. It wasn’t until about 6 months after our loss that he shared some of the fear he felt that day (I had some complications that had a chance of turning dangerous rather quickly). It never occurred to me that he was worried about anything other than our son… It was important for him to get that off his chest and important for me to see his vulnerability. There were check-ins along the way that would require each of us to tell the other what we needed that day, and that helped grow our relationship more than I could have predicted. Sometimes we have to tell our significant other that we need something specific in order for them to understand. This can seriously help avoid miscommunication in ANY relationship. The whole point of this page is to provide a safe place to be… whether you’ve experienced loss or not, this can be a place to come for calm, for reassurance, to vent or to ask for advice. My door is always open and my phone is always on. I welcome the opportunity to get to know all of you and learn your stories. ❤ stay strong momma!

If you’d like to contact me: Becca Brubaker beccabrubaker4@gmail.com